Reflection

Crestone, CO. January 15, 2014

A quiet moment at home. I breathe in my sleeping son with all of my senses, and let us both rest on the exhale. I look around the kitchen, take a sip of tea…and feel a soreness in my heart that is like a bruise. Each breath in and out touches the tender sides. It hurts.

I wonder sometimes about postpartum depression, and if I have it. Did I feel this way before I was a mother? I can’t really remember. I think so, but not quite so much. Not quite so often.

A few days ago I wrote about how we can’t get it right…today I am thinking about how it is also true that we can’t get it wrong. I’m not a Zen practitioner but Dogen speaks to me now. “My life is one continuous mistake”, he says. YES! What a relief. I can stop trying to figure anything out, sit here with my tea and breathe in and out all that I’ve brought to this moment, from the day.

There is an imperative of acceptance beckoning all the time. To accept what is here is to love; it is an opening. This is deeply comforting.

I took Odin to “Big R” today, in Alamosa. It is the best place ever for a toddler, in winter. There are snow blowers and various other wheeled machines bolted to the floor all over the store…they can push, pull and bang on them without anything rolling away. Terrific!

Originally published at https://www.tumblr.com on January 15, 2014.